Disquisition on Renovations – Or how two idiots fixed a house

DISCLAIMER: This will be a recurring blog as this process of renovation and redecorating are still in their infancy stages and quite frankly I see no end in site. You are in no way obligated to follow this story as I believe it's more therapeutic for me than it will be informative for you. It will contain no actual renovation tips, know how or any form of construction expertise what so ever. I should start from the beginning.

We live in a quaint, quiet college town in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. Our house is located in a Historic District, and while my neighbors spend a huge amount of time being impressed by that fact, I simply see an 85 year old house needing massive amounts of TLC. Located on one side of our house is a lovely historic cemetery. On the other side is a 93 year old man. Either way I look…oh, wait that's not nice.

I thought I'd take advantage of my untimely departure from my previous employment to begin with a list of chores and repairs which I felt my mother and I could accomplish before the stampede of return phone calls regarding my resume submissions began arriving……oh, what's that? Oh, just the sound of the phone not ringing. I felt certain that if we stayed within our budget and time frame of the very few weeks before I was hired somewhere fabulous, we could turn this lump of coal into a diamond. (No, I don't smoke crack but you wondered for a minute didn't you?)

So the characters in this drama: My mother: She's 65, on total disability. She's had 2 heart attacks; one stint put in and has many of the ailments which 65 years of life will bring. Yeah, sucks but you move on. Me: I am 46. I stand at a staggering 5 foot nothing and thanks to no on the job nervous binge eating am currently topping the charts 15 pounds lighter than 8 weeks ago. As a result of a car accident I was left with 30% use of my right hand (and of course I'm right handed), and 20% use of my left hand. In addition there is nerve damage which resulted in almost no use of the thumb or forefinger of either hand. (I must say that I've adapted to the point that very few people even notice that I'm doing anything differently). There are things I'll never be able to do again, but you suck it up and move on.

I think physical exertion is over rated. I'm exhausted if a restaurant doesn't have curbside service. Mental exhaustion is finding the perfect jewelry for a new suit and I'm totally drained when I have to switch out the clothes in the closets because the seasons have changed.

I point this out in its entirety so you, the reader can picture a middle aged, maybe not so handy woman and her mother, neither being a specimen of strength, agility, or construction expertise taking on this mind boggling task.

I won't begin this blog-a-thon with any actual story today but rather with just a few things I've learned.

1. Remember to tighten the jigsaw blade BEFORE you turn it on.

2. Gorilla Glue is the stickiest substance ever created by human hands and I'm really not sure why NASA is not using to hold those damned tiles onto the Space Shuttle.

3.When Home Depot assigns two people to help you each time you're in their store shopping you have: a) Spent too much time in there. b) Spent too much money in there. c) Frightened the other customers with your aisle roaming and mumbling to yourself to the point they've actually appointed tool store police to you under the guise they're to help with your shopping so you'll get the hell out there and go home.

My police, uh shoppers, must love seeing me pull up in the parking lot. And finally, yes honey that is you stinking. I'm a city girl and southern. I didn't think we had sweat glands. Wait, I believe they're ceremonially removed around the same time your old enough to attend your first afternoon tea, in July, in New Orleans.

Besides, Southern women don't sweat - we glisten. Well I'll tell you, I'm glistening my ass off now.